2 Corinthians 12:8-9 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it (my torment) away. Each time he said, "My grace works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.
My favorite years, even great anxiety, were the years that my kids were babies and little kids... young enough to need me (I loved being needed!). I was a good mom, I knew how to be a good mom... there were, after all, all kinds of books to tell you how to be a good mom. I read them Bible stories at night, I was at all their events, we went on pic-nic's had fun birthday parties we spent time at the museum and we read books..many, many books together. Then a few things happened, they got to that age where they didn't seem to need me, and I needed to be needed. Then I got sick with Lupus and Fybromylgia. Those two things begin to break me down and eventually my mom got sick and taking care of her could be hard at times...and watching her get sicker and sicker was hard. The devil struck and struck hard... bombarding me with anxiety and panic. Finally I was stuck...I only went to take care of my mom, to Hobby Lobby (it is okay to laugh here!!) at home, unless Robby was with me. And sweet Robby he bought groceries after working so hard all week.
This verse came up in Bible Study one Wednesday night recently and it made me smile... it actually made me happy. I realized so many important things about this verse that night. You see, even though I had asked Jesus into my heart at age nine, even though I had read Bible Stories to my kids and taken them to church and VBS ... I had never taken time to really know God, I didn't understand how to really know God. I had spent all these years loving God because I was suppose to... and to be quite honest to avoid Hell. But I didn't know God enough to really love Him, to truly love him. Then my son John-Robert gave me my One Year Bible for Christmas...and with all the time I had on my hands from being stuck at home I begin to read.... and in the process I begin to really know God and as I begin to really love God, He begin to change me. I accepted those changes because I was in a place where I could do nothing on my own!! Gee I couldn't even buy groceries, something I had done hundreds of times, with two babies in tow even. God became a driving force in me because I was weak. Then God put me in the right church for me and surround me with friends and love beyond anything you could imagine.
You see God healed my soul... because my soul is what matters the most... it is my soul that will be in heaven. In my weakness I needed God enough to be desperate for God. Now I love God enough to be desperate for Him!! I still get Lupus Flairs and Fybromylgia flairs but because of God's grace I don't feel useless when those flairs hit...I take time to rest but with God's grace I refuse to let disease be the victor, the controller of my life. God is the victor of my life, God is in control and some days He tells me it is time to rest and some days He tells me that it is time to get up and move!! And every time He tells me to get up and move He gives me His grace to do it!!
I believe that one day God will heal my body, because He loved me so much that He healed my soul. But Lupus and Fybromylgia never take from me what anxiety and depression took from me. They may get me down for a day or two...but they never lock me away from the world, from my friends...they never make me feel isolated and alone like anxiety, panic and depression did. The other day I had a fender bender, all my fault... you know I did not have one bit of anxiety! I sent up a prayer, and God answered that prayer. Robby was even on vacation and I didn't have to depend on him, God gave me the grace to handle all that needed to be handled. I remember a day when that would have destroyed me... when Robby would have had to drop all he was doing and come and take care of me. But you see, God loves me, God knew what was destroying me and God took care of that!
Now when I hurt, I can smile... I can put my hands in the air and sing praises. As it says in verse 10 "When I am weak, then I am strong!" Because God is my strength. God has my back! God holds me up. God loves me and I love God and that is what is important in my life! When God is ready for my body to be healed, I will be ready. Right now I am where God needs me to be and oh how I rejoice in that! I love that now I can raise my hand toward Heaven, close my eyes and feel God reach down and take my hand. Lupus and Fybromylgia have nothing on that!! God always meets me where I am...and if I need to hold His hand and can't reach up to Heaven, He leans down further towards me and He grabs my hand and holds on tight filling me with His strength! Wow, I am one lucky girl!